We've entered the age of electronics with no guidelines for acceptable social behavior, and the divide between generations has grown wider and deeper than ever. It is the obligation of each generation to model and to teach the tenets of good manners, social grace, and an ingrained respect for those we come into contact with in the course of our day, and we appear to have fallen down on the job.
Personal electronics are only the symptom of an underlying self focus. I thought, as these devices (cell phones, ipods, and now notebooks, ipads, etc) gained in popularity, that common sense and a normal regard for one's fellow planet dwellers, might guide us in this brave new world of instant access to communication and constant entertainment. Apparently not. Even in theatres, an audio/visual reminder is required to keep lcd screens from drawing our eyes away from the big screen in the dark, and the constant ringing or burring of phone calls or text messaging from competing with the sound.
Some time ago, I was driving my 12 year old niece to Disneyland. I bought her a season pass
with the idea of a monthly trip to the 'Happiest Place on Earth'. We were spending time together once a week, hopefully building relationship, confidence and happy memories, and this seemed like a fun addition to our routine. On this particular day, she climbed into the front seat beside me as I picked her up from school with a wire running from her ear to a small device cradled in her palm. I recognized her MP3 player (I DO have one of my own, though I plan to seriously reconsider its appropriate uses), but chose to ignore it and asked how her day was. Her response was limited to a shrug and one word, "Good". It wasn't uttered with impatience and didn't communicate any irritation with my interruption of her concentration on said electronic device, but nor was it given with any encouragement of further conversation. After a moment or two, she looked up and said, "I brought this with me so I'd have something to do in line." I thought about that for a second, "And what am I going to do in line while you listen to that?" I asked hopefully. "I can still talk!" was her response.
I decided to try a new tactic... honesty. "Sam, it's really kind of rude to stick that thing in your ear when you're spending time with someone else. It makes me feel like I'm interrupting you if I try to talk to you, and if I don't, I feel like my presence isn't really required, or even desired. It's unkind, and it hurts my feelings. I'm here because I want to spend time with you." "Oh," she said, "I'm sorry!" She sounded totally sincere, and I thought to myself, "See, you only needed to explain." We drove on in silence for a time, the wire still attached to her hear, her eyes on the display in her hand. I wondered what playlist she found so fascinating. I waited for a break in her concentration so we could resume normal conversation. My patience gave out before her attention span.
I tried again, "Sam, do you realize you haven't said one word to me in the last 15 minutes?" "huh?" she looked up. "Ok, put it away." I said calmly. "huh?", her eyes widened slightly, clearly she couldn't believe what she thought she heard around her ear buds. "Put it away", I repeated. "Why?" she looked genuinely puzzled. "How often do you see me use my cell phone when I'm with you?" I asked. "Ummmm... I don't know..." she said, clearly confused. "I don't use my cell phone when I'm with you because I want to spend time with you, not with every acquaintance who has my cell phone number.", I explained. "I spend time with you because I want to talk to you, hear about your day, and focus on you!" "Oh...", she seemed to be getting it. "Do you want to listen?" she asked, holding out the device. "No," I sighed. "When I take time out of my day to take you out for a good time, I do that because I want to spend time with you, doing something other than staring at the top of your head while you listen to that thing!." She nodded briefly, but didn't comment. I gave up. She lives in a world where what's happening in your ear and on the little display in your hand is every bit as important and entertaining as anything else that might be happening around you. Her virtual world has not just intersected with the real world, it's begining to dominate it. At 12, she doesn't understand the importance of relationship, or the antiquated manners with which I was raised. She only knows that I'm too old to understand her world and that if she wants to go to Disneyland, she'll have to humor me.
And how can I expect more when the adults I'm surrounded by daily, (adults who really should know better), mirror that same behavior? The lady who walks up and down the supermarket aisles trouble shooting a friend's relationship crisis at decibels akin to the proverbial fish wife in an open air market? Or the guy in the bookstore trying to referee a raging argument between the sibling children he left at home at a level of volume that calls into question the hearing of whoever it is he's talking to? Or the co-worker who asks you a question and then midway through your answer puts her hand in your face to glance down at her phone and read an incoming text?
Emily Post, where are you? Oh my... I think I'm turning into my Grandmother!
Personal electronics are only the symptom of an underlying self focus. I thought, as these devices (cell phones, ipods, and now notebooks, ipads, etc) gained in popularity, that common sense and a normal regard for one's fellow planet dwellers, might guide us in this brave new world of instant access to communication and constant entertainment. Apparently not. Even in theatres, an audio/visual reminder is required to keep lcd screens from drawing our eyes away from the big screen in the dark, and the constant ringing or burring of phone calls or text messaging from competing with the sound.
Some time ago, I was driving my 12 year old niece to Disneyland. I bought her a season pass
with the idea of a monthly trip to the 'Happiest Place on Earth'. We were spending time together once a week, hopefully building relationship, confidence and happy memories, and this seemed like a fun addition to our routine. On this particular day, she climbed into the front seat beside me as I picked her up from school with a wire running from her ear to a small device cradled in her palm. I recognized her MP3 player (I DO have one of my own, though I plan to seriously reconsider its appropriate uses), but chose to ignore it and asked how her day was. Her response was limited to a shrug and one word, "Good". It wasn't uttered with impatience and didn't communicate any irritation with my interruption of her concentration on said electronic device, but nor was it given with any encouragement of further conversation. After a moment or two, she looked up and said, "I brought this with me so I'd have something to do in line." I thought about that for a second, "And what am I going to do in line while you listen to that?" I asked hopefully. "I can still talk!" was her response.
I decided to try a new tactic... honesty. "Sam, it's really kind of rude to stick that thing in your ear when you're spending time with someone else. It makes me feel like I'm interrupting you if I try to talk to you, and if I don't, I feel like my presence isn't really required, or even desired. It's unkind, and it hurts my feelings. I'm here because I want to spend time with you." "Oh," she said, "I'm sorry!" She sounded totally sincere, and I thought to myself, "See, you only needed to explain." We drove on in silence for a time, the wire still attached to her hear, her eyes on the display in her hand. I wondered what playlist she found so fascinating. I waited for a break in her concentration so we could resume normal conversation. My patience gave out before her attention span.
I tried again, "Sam, do you realize you haven't said one word to me in the last 15 minutes?" "huh?" she looked up. "Ok, put it away." I said calmly. "huh?", her eyes widened slightly, clearly she couldn't believe what she thought she heard around her ear buds. "Put it away", I repeated. "Why?" she looked genuinely puzzled. "How often do you see me use my cell phone when I'm with you?" I asked. "Ummmm... I don't know..." she said, clearly confused. "I don't use my cell phone when I'm with you because I want to spend time with you, not with every acquaintance who has my cell phone number.", I explained. "I spend time with you because I want to talk to you, hear about your day, and focus on you!" "Oh...", she seemed to be getting it. "Do you want to listen?" she asked, holding out the device. "No," I sighed. "When I take time out of my day to take you out for a good time, I do that because I want to spend time with you, doing something other than staring at the top of your head while you listen to that thing!." She nodded briefly, but didn't comment. I gave up. She lives in a world where what's happening in your ear and on the little display in your hand is every bit as important and entertaining as anything else that might be happening around you. Her virtual world has not just intersected with the real world, it's begining to dominate it. At 12, she doesn't understand the importance of relationship, or the antiquated manners with which I was raised. She only knows that I'm too old to understand her world and that if she wants to go to Disneyland, she'll have to humor me.
And how can I expect more when the adults I'm surrounded by daily, (adults who really should know better), mirror that same behavior? The lady who walks up and down the supermarket aisles trouble shooting a friend's relationship crisis at decibels akin to the proverbial fish wife in an open air market? Or the guy in the bookstore trying to referee a raging argument between the sibling children he left at home at a level of volume that calls into question the hearing of whoever it is he's talking to? Or the co-worker who asks you a question and then midway through your answer puts her hand in your face to glance down at her phone and read an incoming text?
Emily Post, where are you? Oh my... I think I'm turning into my Grandmother!
